Lyrics taken from Tara Maclean’s “Let Her Feel the Rain”
Captured in a photograph in black and white
her hair brushes her shoulder as she leans to turn out the light
she’s warm and you can feel her, but she can’t feel you
no she’s just too numb to move...
Nikita reached over and turned off her cd player. She had no idea how many times she had listened to that same song in these last few months, since she had lost Michael. And now he was back...after being gone for 3 months, presumed dead, now he was back. She supposed he would be showing up at her apartment soon to “see how she was doing”. She thought back to that time 3 months ago, when she had come into Section, unsuspecting, and seen all the faces looking at her with what looked like sympathy, if such a thing could exist in Section. Walter had been the one to break the news to her. “It was supposed to be just a random intel-gathering mission...nobody knows what happened....I’m sorry sugar...”
They had given her a week off to deal with her grief, and then it was back to business or be cancelled. They didn’t even offer her an explanation, just said that “he will be missed”. She had gone and locked herself in his office and cried, not wanting to go home, not wanting to leave this place that still held memories of him. She assumed they would be cleaning it out, and had asked if she could keep some small item, something to remember him by- as if she would have forgotten otherwise- and had found a small photo of the two of them from some mission or another...she forgot exactly why the picture had been taken, but they had been smiling prettily for the camera, and had looked relatively happy. She kept it and framed it, and slept with it next to her bed.
She walked across the room and picked up the picture and wanted to throw it out the window now. It had been a lie, just like everything else. And after 3 months of believing a lie, she walked into Section and was met with looks similar to the ones she had recieved before, but different. She was had mentally prepared herself for some new tragedy, when she turned the corner and walked right into him. She had been totally speechless at first. All she could do was stare and wonder if she had finally gone insane. Then as the reality sank in, and she realized that she had been lied to yet again, her expression turned from one of shock to one of anger. Michael had tried to say something to her, “Nikita....”, but she didn’t let him finish. She turned and ran as fast as she could, out of Section and into the pouring rain. She had run all the way back to her apartment in the rain, but she barely noticed. She couldn’t feel anything anymore, not saddness or joy or fear, nothing.And so she sat in her apartment and waited, watching the rain fall.
Captured in a photograph without a frame
I see you standing tall but I see no face to blame
And did she say she loved you, well you know that’s really nice
Because they say that when she cries her teardrops turn, they turn to ice
. Operations stood in his office talking to Michael. “She’s changed”, he warned, “She’s not the same person she was before.” Michael was concerned. “What do you mean?” he asked, suspecting that he already knew. After Simone had been captured and supposedly killed he had withdrawn from everyone, not allowing himself to feel the emotions that threatened to control him. If Nikita hadn’t come along he might have stayed that way forever, locked in a world of emotionless torment. He could only hope that Nikita hadn’t lost every spark of emotion and humanity, and that if she had, she could find them again. He knew he needed to see her, but he also knew that he had to be prepared for anything. If her reaction earlier was any indicator, he would have to take things very slowly and hope she wasn’t lost to him forever.
Operations spoke again, interrupting his thoughts. “She’s still performing exceptionally well, but Madeline is highly concerned about her mental state. We feel that it’s only a matter of time before she snaps, if she continues like this. Normally I would never advise such a thing, but I feel that in this case it’s the right thing to do. Go to her, talk to her, try to bring her out of this state she’s in now. I don’t want to end up having to cancel her because of this. That will be all.”
Michael left immediately, and drove to Nikita’s apartment. On the way there he tried to think of what he could possibly say to her. It hadn’t been the easiest 3 months for him either. He knew it was necessary to cut all possible ties with Section for this particular mission, and therefore nobody but Operations and Madeline knew that he was alive. It had been an extremely important undercover mission, and had required someone with his experience and abilities. Michael had never done an undercover operation before, and had no idea what to expect. For a while it almost seemed like freedom - he was away from the Section, and only had to report his progress back in to Operations occasionally. But one thing kept him from being happy. Every night he would think of Nikita, and what she must be going through. The thought disturbed him greatly, and he tried to push it out of his mind. He could only hope that he would complete this mission and get back to her as quickly as possible. And now that he was back, and saw that she was still alive, his only thoughts were on how to bring back the Nikita he had known. He tried to think back to when he had first met Nikita, and how she had gradually broken through his cold exterior and allowed him to feel again. Now he had to return the favor. He reached her apartment building and parked the car.
Let her feel the rain, won’t you let her feel again
feeling through the pain won’t you let her feel the rain upon her face
Nikita got up and walked out onto the balcony. She had stood here many times and closed her eyes, wishing that she could just fall off, and stop feeling. But then Section would have won, they would have beaten her. So she knew she had to stay strong, to stay alive and fight, until finally there would be nothing left for her to fight for, they would have no use for her and she would be free. She had finally been able to push aside most of her feelings...it was almost a relief to bury the intense grief she felt and concentrate only on getting the job done. And she was just starting to get to the point where she didn’t think about Michael or herself or anything, when he had come back. She should have been happy...it should have been a relief to see him alive, but it wasn’t. She had worked so hard to forget, and now here he was, back into her life as always, and she knew now that the lies would never stop. No matter how long she stayed in Section, and no matter how good of an operative she became, there would always be one more lie, one more deception, one more thing to cause her pain. And this night, standing on the balcony in the pouring rain, Nikita decided she had had enough. She didn’t care anymore. She walked to the edge of the balcony, shut her eyes....and felt a hand touch her shoulder gently and turn her around to face him. Michael looked at Nikita , not liking what he saw . She had been standing out in the middle of the pouring rain and was completely soaked. Yet she did not appear to be cold. There was no expression on her face, no sign of emotion or even recognition. She stared past him almost as if she could see right through him. He reached up and touched her face gently, with no response. He placed his hand under her chin and tilted her face up so that she had to look him in the eyes. Still nothing. She barely even blinked. He started to speak “Nikita...come back to me....” when suddenly a flash of lightning lit up the sky. Either this or his words had caused Nikita to take a step back, out of his reach, and when he looked again he thought he saw tears in her eyes. He moved back toward her, reaching for her and pulling her in close to him. “Nikita, I’m sorry-” and at this, Nikita struck out at him, screaming and hitting and trying to inflict any kind of pain that would make up for the pain that she had suffered. He simply held her even tighter and allowed her to unleash her anger and all the feelings that she had tried to keep inside of her for so long. Finally her anger subsided and turned to tears, and after a few minutes she turned and looked up at him, standing there in the rain, his hair and clothes soaking wet, and she reached up to touch his face as if to assure herself that he was really real, that she hadn’t jumped off the balcony or descended into madness. After a moment she started to speak...”Michael..” but at that moment she felt his hands in her dripping wet hair, pulling her closer, and her words were silenced by a kiss. They stood there like that for a while, both of them feeling the rain, but neither one caring.